When my husband and I decided to get married six years ago, we had great hopes of creating a modern “Brady Bunch.” We each had 4 kids ranging in age from 3 to 15. We knew there would be challenges, but we imagined that with a houseful of kids, there would be warmth, excitement, energy, and fun. Other people’s reactions should have clued us in, “Wow,” they would say. “That’s a lot.” Or “You must really love each other to take that on.” Then we started to hear tales of warning, “You know so and so got married and they had to split up, apparently the kids hated each other!”

We were going to be different. That wouldn’t happen to us. Having both come from failed marriages, we were determined not to fail again. We could conquer this challenge and love it! Oh, the naiveté of new love.

We bought a house, made little dormitory sized rooms for everyone, so each child could have a space and started this project of “blending” our families. There were some good times. Dinner time around our big dining room table was full of energy, good food, tales of highs and lows, and plenty of laughter (on a good day). There were family talent shows and fun holiday moments carving pumpkins or decorating gingerbread houses.

But there were also many moments that made our “family” feel anything but blended. It was kind of like going on vacation with another family. At first, everything is fine, and you notice differences, but it’s no big deal because you know it’s only temporary. With a blended family, you look around and think, “Okay, this was fun. Now when are they leaving so we can get back to normal?” It’s a very odd feeling to live with people you are not blood-related to. We would be sitting at dinner together and my husband or one of his kids would say something and they would all erupt in laughter. My kids and I would look at each other in silence thinking, “what was funny about that?” And then the reverse would happen, my kids and I would find something hilariously funny, and my husband and his kids would look at us baffled, thinking, “how is that funny?”

More and more our well-intentioned experiment of blending families felt like it was on the verge of disaster. I found my husband’s parenting to be to controlling and overly strict. He found mine to be somewhat aloof and permissive. I wanted him to back off and leave me and my kids alone. He wanted me to be more involved and engaged with him and his kids. We both felt hurt, offended and at times hopeless. I remember lying in bed daydreaming about my old rental house, wishing I could drive back over there and get a reprieve from all of these “step people!”

Then there came the problems between the kids. “You’re not supposed to do it that way!” one stepsibling would say to another. My husband’s kids thought my kids were weird to not share their love of animals, including a ferret that would sometimes get lost (in my daughter’s underwear drawer!). My kids thought it was weird and creepy that their stepsiblings loved a rodent so much. If there was a squabble between stepsiblings, a clear line was drawn, blood siblings would jump in to defend blood siblings. One weekend we went to a cabin together with the hopes of creating some great memories. (More good times will surely help! Right?!) Things didn’t go well. The games turned into rivalries, the rivalries turned into a great divide between our two families, my husband and I jumping in and defending our respective kids. Finally, my husband had had it! He gathered all his kids, loaded up his car and headed home early. As soon as the car drove out of sight, my kids and I erupted into a cheer! We were so relieved that they were gone!

My husband and I loved each other very much and we desperately didn’t want our marriage to fail, but there were many times we both laid in bed wondering privately if we had made a mistake. “How could we have been so naïve and stupid?” we would think. “We can’t put our kids through the breakup of another family!”

Determined to turn this around, I started to do research on the subject. Almost everything I read added insult to injury. Even the term “blended family” made me feel like a failure. There was nothing “blended” about this family. This family was a giant mess of chopped up stew and cotton candy and anything else you could throw in! What if it was impossible to “blend” our family? What if we didn’t want to? Were we putting too much pressure on ourselves and creating more problems? Could we live together in a side-by-side kind of way? Respecting each other, acknowledging our differences, being kind and courteous to each other, and giving everyone a lot of time and space to adapt and slowly marinate in this new family environment?

Facing disaster, that’s what my husband and I decided to do. We stopped trying to force a “blended family” and focused on living in harmony side by side. I took care of my kids; he took care of his. We came together for family dinners when we were all home. If he was doing something fun with his kids and my kids were around, they were invited to join in and vice versa. We also planned activities where I would take just my kids to do something, and he would take his to do something else. We found that everyone craved alone time with their original family. I stopped questioning him about the way he parents and he stopped questioning me. We both realize that we have strengths and weaknesses as parents and when we’re in a good place, we may ask for advice, but we don’t offer it unsolicited.

We try to keep in mind that we fell in love with each other. We came together because we want to share our lives with each other. The kids didn’t ask for any of this. Not the breakup of their parent’s relationship, not the new family, not a stepparent, so we’re patient with them and try to give them the time and space they need to adapt. During the week, we mostly focus on being a parent to our own children and where there is overlap, we welcome it. It has been almost 6 years now and I would say that the slow and separate approach has worked better for us. We’re no Brady Bunch, but most of the kids get along and have good relationships and I’d say overall, we’re marinating quite nicely together.