by Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
Why You Can’t Confront a Narcissist
Day after day, I work with clients who are trying desperately to understand the narcissistic person in their life. They are constantly confused because the narcissist’s behavior doesn’t make sense, it’s not logical. It’s natural for human beings to want to make sense of things, so it can be crazy making to deal with someone whose thought patterns and behavior are so different from your own.
The reason it’s so hard to understand a narcissistic person is because they live in a completely different reality than the rest of us. Most of us live in what I call, “Reality C.” Reality C is cooperative, collaborative, caring and communicative. We are standing on solid ground that tells us, I have worth, and you have equal worth. I value you and you value me. Let’s communicate with each other and come up with a solution and a resolution that works for both of us. I care about your feelings, and I know you care about mine.
A conversation with this understanding would go something like this:
Partner A: “It hurt my feelings when you were flirting with the server tonight.”
Partner B: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t even realize I was flirting with the server. What did it sound like?….I can see why you would feel hurt. I’ll be more aware of how I talk to people in the future. I want you to feel safe and respected with me.”
The narcissist does not live in “Reality C.” They live in what I call, “Reality D.” Reality D is a place of domination, power, control, and competition. It is a place that says there is a winner and a loser in every interaction. There is no such thing as cooperation. There is no solid ground in this reality, it is like standing on cracking ice that is always shifting. Narcissistic people must maintain a perfect image both for themselves and for others. In this reality, there is no gray area. People are bad or good, right or wrong, winners or losers. That’s why if you tell a narcissistic person that something they did was less than perfect, they feel like you’re telling them they’re a loser. This is absolutely unacceptable to them, so they quickly flip things over and make you the loser. For example:
Partner A: “It really hurt my feelings the way you were flirting with the server at dinner.” (Instead of addressing your feelings, they will somehow make it your fault).
Partner B: “What are you talking about? Are you crazy? I barely looked at her, and what do you expect me to do when you refuse to give me attention?”
Or you say, “Guess what? I got a promotion!” (now the narcissistic person who needs to be on top feels threatened by your success so they need to quickly level you).
Partner B: “Aren’t you all high and mighty! Ms. Entitled, walking around like the President!”
Now you’re confused! I was just trying to share some good news! Is it wrong that I shared the news? Was it boastful to tell my partner about my promotion? You begin to question your reality. Should I have said it differently? Should I feel bad that I got promoted?
The narcissistic person is living on unstable ground and every interaction is a chance for them to maintain power and control. That’s why if you confront a narcissist, it’s like opening a can of whoop-ass on yourself! They will fight to the death and make sure they win every time. They feel their life depends on it. It comes from a deep insecurity as well as a grandiose belief that they are special. People in Reality C, who are on stable ground, will continue to be confused and baffled by the ferocity of the narcissist unless they remember that they are in a completely different reality. In their reality, they must crush you and maintain power and control or they believe you will crush them. You have to be wrong, for them to be right. There is no equal ground for them.
Hold your own. Don’t engage in the madness. Their reality doesn’t not change your reality. You can remain on solid, steady ground and watch them spin and bluster. It’s not you that’s confused, it’s them!
